alright it's 3.08 in the morning right now. and, i just feel like i haven't been posting properly for... well, a while. nowadays, i don't really feel like i've anything exciting or worthwhile to look forward to. and that indeed is a terrible situation to be in, for me at least. i don't enjoy remaining in states of having nothing to expect. i want to live for something. someone even, for that matter. this is all very, empty. vacuous in fact. and it's sucking every bit of this life i've barely had out of me.
i'm the sort who'd never want to retire. cause to me, retirement means that i'm just waiting for death to knock on the door. so i'd have to keep away from all that bullshit and work that i've been putting up with my whole life, so as to enjoy 10 years of precious remaining time. i don't want only 10 years. i want to spend my life, and every second of it meaningfully. but i have, unfortunately, not come to terms with figuring out whatever rings my bell.
i feel like i've been writing here, for the sake of writing. i have grown accustomed to it. this has been an avenue for my emotions, as some of you who have read the, older posts. yes, i am an emotionally driven individual. my heart triumphs over my head. and by the time my head takes over, it's usually too late to salvage what was. couple this with being fiercely private and careful - even unrealistically picky, over my friends, this was necessary to sometimes just let a little of what's cooped in, out.
and thats why, without even sparks of emotion that would require me to post, there hasn't really been anything to speak of. maybe just irrelevant and mundane daily occurrences which no one really could be bothered to know of.
so, i've been trying to salvage a few relationships here and there. been preparing for army (not exercising, it's just a troublesome to-bring checklist). trying to get my drivers' license. meeting up with scattered groups of people. and... going on with life with not much motivation... trepidation, maybe - A's - which i do not have a good feeling for.
2 years in Temasek , i guess it has changed me so freaking much. i would like a do a list of how it has, just off my mind right now.
1) Deal with people (people get scarier as they get older)
2) Deal with people who annoy the heck outta me
3) Think before i speak
4) Deal with embarrassment (oh yes...)
5) Realise that JC education is just a slightly more tedious form of mind exercise than Sudoku at the end of the day cause it serves no real purpose. unless you have this wonderful ambition of being an educator. of, such... mind exercises?
6) Learn not to tell annoying mother****ers to shut the **** up because that would be considered crude and rude in most social situations.
7) Hone my sarcasm instead of going _|_, which is, again, rather backward.
8) Strong relationships with a trusted few is ALL you need. i shall stress again. ALL YOU EVER FUCKING NEED. i think it's indispensable for your insanity, don't you agree my dear reader.
9) Stay collected and cool whenever whatever kind of shit is thrown at me, cat shit, dog shit, your shit... well you get my point.
10) Trust.
and... it's 3.38. i probably should get some sleep. i'll post... when i have something to say. no more rubbish.
promise. give me your pinkie.
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