5th July 2014 6:30am Friday Night

I was the happiest man alive when i had you by my side in the car. 

Its felt like you trusted me by being there with me, alone.

You told me to give it up. All up. Just because it would be painful and unbearable. You seemed so jovial about everything. 

I love you. I cant even find any other ways to put it. I love you with every breath that i take and inch of my skin. I love you in ways that you will never understand, and i will never comprehend. You are the only person i want to see the first thing in the morning by my side. And smiling beside me when the night falls. 

And you told me to put all these aside. To put all these away. 

How fortunate was i to have found you. But yet having to let you go when i only just did. My heart will never be strong enough for this.

But i dont care, babe. When you want to be with someone so bad, nothing else matters. And the worse thing someone can do is to tell you to stay away from them. But the words came from you. 

All the memories and feeling are everything that i have woven up in my own head. That is what you do when you are in love with someone this much. 

Youre the best thing that has happened to me to date. I cant let you go. 

I just cant. 

sixth june twenty fourteen

this can't be a coincidence can it,

or am i just trying to find a correlation to every fucking thing between us/ mole. 

can't even being to describe,

how much i'm dying for your touch, 

your breath on my skin

and the scent on your dress. 

make it to me,

i only want you. 

third june twenty fourteen

why is texting you so hard.

because i'm delusional

already coming out with all the images in my mind

happy, blissful times. 

but they are not to be, 

as my face would be replaced with someone else's.

clichés are never bad:

i would hold you till the sun comes out.

i would let you into heart and soul.

i would sing the words i yearn to say to you,

with each and every ounce of me.

i would kiss your cheeks and wipe away those tears,

cause i'd rather be the one feeling that way.

i would drive you to our favourite supper house,

only to see you back home safe and sound after that.

i would die to wake up to your face every morning,

no, why would i be lying.

i would tell you every reason why,

you made my heart ache so.

i would take your hand on those long walks,

and remind myself why i feel so complete.

but i can't.

you're too far away.

too darn far.

but before i go,

take a little piece of me, with you.

for when i see you again,

i would give up all of me,

just so you wouldn't go.

like you did just then.

first june twenty fourteen

i'm not really even supposed to feel this way.
have you any idea how my heart sank when the text came through
why why why does it hurt so bad.
i can't even say this anywhere else,
i don't want you to care.

and yet i don't even know you, dear.

first june twenty fourteen

Yes I do, 

I believe 

That one day I will be, where I was

Right there, 

right next to you
And it's hard, the days just seem so dark
The moon, the stars, 

are nothing without you
Your touch, 

your skin, 

where do I begin?
No words can explain, 

the way, I’m missing you

The night, this emptiness,

this hole that I’m inside
These tears, they tell their own story

You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling’s overwhelming, 

they're much too strong

I’m reaching out to you
Can you hear my call?
This hurt that I’ve been through
I’m missing you, 

missing you like crazy

You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling’s overwhelming, 

they're much too strong

Can I lay by your side, next to you?
And make sure you’re alright
I’ll take care of you
And I don’t wanna be here,

if I can’t be with you tonight

20 May 2014

She just made my heart beat again.
This heart so sore, and numb.
I can finally feel the pain again.


But she's probably gonna walk away.
All I can do,
is turn back and stay.

What is this feeling,
blind and wild.
Whoever said falling was easy?

24 November 2013

So... Im here on my bed, in bunk, typing out my first post in like 6 months? My beautifully tailored number one is hanging on my cupboard along with my berets, cover the poster of taeyeon nick gave me as a present from his japan trip. Not forgetting the 15 other pictures to my right on waikhins cupboard which i printed out in accordance to venods request to decorate our corners in bunk. My dusty morries fan blows at my while my 'CREAM' alice pack full of memories sits quietly in a corner.

All of these is going to be gone tomorrow. Every single one of these items which brought me through so much of the past 1.5 years in this place. The highs and the lows (much much much more lows than highs i must say) ive been through in this bunk will slowly fade away, bit by bit as i return the items and take the rest down. I will miss everything, down to the not so pleasant smell this place often emits.

My sentimental feelings havent been brought out for a while already. The past few months seemed like a void. Devoid of feelings. I was so numb to the events in camp, mostly unpleasant, that most of my time spent was to try and negate the things that upset me or i felt were a pointless chores. I cant/dont know how to elaborate how soulless i felt during that period of lonesome and emptiness.

But as i move on with life, im starting to feel like what i was before, though only very very slightly. Someone with hopes and dreams.

The period between 3rd February 2012 till 22 November 2013, fresh 18 till 20, has changed and hardened me so much. I still dont know how much of a good thing it is though. But im going to keep moving on for now, as i have forced myself and been forced to so many fucking times.

27 June 2013 2345

wonder who even reads this any longer haha... well... life has been pretty tumultous as of late. not that theres been big events or ground shaking incidents but my heart and mind has been pretty darn occupied with so much stuff, be it important or not... well im stepping straight into adulthood in a few minutes time and damn time does fly. id never really thought id reach this point in life but here i am now and theres no turning back...
just as ive realised as of late, being a grown up really kinda sucks. now we really understand why anyone would die to go back to when they still had their youth, their innocence. reaching a point in life where the roads widen and branch out, and theres hardly anyone to actually guide you along this treacherous road ahead. its no longer pri sec jc and so on, its time we made calculated decisions and any wrong move would be a mistake on our own part, no one else to blame.
i would look back at the past 20 years and say ive had a few regrets too many, and too much time has been tossed so poorly out the window. i would have lived it so much differently. but thats life isnt it. if we all knew what was to happen, what kinda life would that be.

ive got to realise that the future me wouldnt be the one whos gonna get my life back on track, the current me has got to get his ass moving. be it my personal life, family, friends, values, ive got to set them straight real soon.

2359 now, goodbye to my teenage years.

28 May 2013

she has an estimated 3 months left... what do i feel now?

24 May 2013

sorta lost it this morning... Sorta...
I think im really losing my sanity...
)':

and theres no one to drag me back on track.

25 March 2013

laying on my bed for the last day on this lazy afternoon in hcc. captain v just announced his departure yesterday night, and made a post on facebook only a sad man could last night at 1... im not exactly sure how i feel about this but this has been what the company has fought for in a way? what i gather from this is that we are just looking for a breather after so long under his rather oppressive persona, and his removal from position was the only way about it after many attempts to talk things out... yet when it really happens... everything just seems so, different. i guess the ideal was that he had just tone down and stayed, but his personality resisted that change, and thus forcing things into the alternative, which was this... if i was never at the receiving end of his actions, i may have felt worse.. but as much as things are going right now, i really wish he realises some of his shortcomings and for us to really remember some of the things he has done for us as a company. the parade on the 9th would be a bittersweet one... marking the end of the reign of a man who has struck fear and stressed many of us passed our limits, yet inevitably made each and every one of us that much stronger in the process. no one is really right or wrong nor is anyone is to blame for how things came to be. but as how life is as he puts it, "suck it up and move on".

my last salute sir, strike to silence.

12 March 2013

im waiting for the battalion pt in about half an hours time... here in roc for about 10 days and theres almost 18 more before i get home... ah how far does that seem. its funny how time works doesnt it. the more you notice it and try to feel how each day passes it just makes everything feel slower and dreary. the better way to deal with it still has to be taking each day as it comes, a step at a time and all will pass smoother than expected.

thereve been some slight answers to my worries before but my thoughts are still way too scatters to put it down. as soon as i can collate them...

3 March 2013

im at the airport now, terminal 1 starbucks awaiting my flight up to t. im not even feeling a thing now. the block leave went by so quick it was the fastest week ive experienced. im so desensitized by this army. and i dont know what to do about it. im as hollow as i can ever imagine.

7 February 2013

the days when i neber realised how fortunate i was with company. i was never a sociable individual and always had much difficulty opening up to people and handling them if i couldnt. but thinking back, at many phases of my life, ive always had a listening ear. i dont recall having multiple ones on concurrent periods. D, C, R, L, D, B, Z, I and D. all these people i can say i love. but some only at those points in time yet what they meant to me would never change. i miss those relationships i had with them. yet right now im sorry to say ive lost almost all contact with them. we dont even talk or communicate, even on social media. its just sad how everything is. is it me? this fool who hides himself behind a veil, unwilling to show much of my true feelings. or do i absolutely just suck at maintaining friendships, no matter how dear?

im rather tired of being so... alone.

4th February 2013

im writing this from bunk after quite a happening day. it isnt necessarily of any good though, as is expected of where im from. so the CO decided to fill our remaining days before we head up to taiwan with another exercise, falcon 3. a promise he has broken, that this month would be free from any. i cant comment on whether it is of any point, this exercise, or it has really been the fault of the battalion which cause this as i havent been following through with much of the recent exercises. but this is just to bring to point yet again how our lives are being controlled and dictated by certain individuals in appointment, whether we trust and support of their abilities or not.

"you dont ask, you just do"

weve all heard enough of such words for those above. yes, this is the military. but im sorry, but the system sickens me. an analogy of the situation we.re currently caged in goes;

that we.re employees of a company which we had to work at, as long as we come of age. 2 years, no more no less. your weekdays are spent stuck in the company, you cant leave the residences else for official reasons, or youd have to prepare to spend time behind bars. your superiors are your gods. disobey, and your weekends would be spent in the company, just cause you cant follow the orders, no matter how ridiculous or how much you just hate doing certain things. you cant meet a certain physical standard, your weekend shortens. you get injured or fall ill during key events, the weekends are spent in the companys. you have no form of trade union whatsoever, your 'employer' may breach rules just to obtain their objectives, yet their isnt any avenue for you to report it. and the best of all, the contract binds you to the company for 2 full years of your prime, at a salary one could get being a part time cleaner. your social life dies off, and theres no fucking way you can resign or quit. you just go on and on until the date comes.

sounds fucking awesome?

amidst all this bullshit of a life im having, theres at least an upside to it- getting to see the worst of people, and the fucking horrible and shameless stuff theyd do to get their way, at the expense of others or not. then again, by not being that much of a cynic, ive also got the privilege to know and see how some would throw everything aside to help you out. but yet, id have to admit ive grown more selfish but generous in certain ways. i detest the stuff we do in camp, be it administrative or extra work which arises from the OBSCENE amount of inefficiency generated by the processes that go around here. you can be a nice guy and suck things up for a day, a week, but youd go crazy when it goes on forever and nothing seems to improve. thats when youd either wriggle your way out of things (which isnt too difficult,but you get hated on), or do it cause your buddies are doing it as well. this then brings about a dilemma, when do you be selfish and get away from it all or move on with it. personally, ive never been the kind to allow myself to let others make me go against my will, thus theres been instances when ive chosen the former, and as expected, has been met with critical views. as much as i tend to rationalise and reason things out before going ahead with things, the 'dont ask just do' commands have been driving me crazy.

ive been typing for almost an hour and i think im already losing my coherence. the bottomline now is that life in here still stinks and im just powerless to do anything about it but i'll just have to bite myself and drag on.

13 January 2013

ive been in much of a daze as of late. i dont really know how to talk to people outside of my army life any longer. it feels like my entire life has been taken over by it. we yearn for when we can leave the camp, to be out in the civilian world again, do what we wanna, eat what we wanna, and things like that. however such breaks are too short to take, 1.5 days to 2 at most. so essentially, my life in 2012 and 2013 would be - living in camp, eating sleeping shitting and using my comp when outside of camp. i cant move on with any plans (or if i even have any) cause the time outside is just too short. and now it seems i have lost almost all social contact from outside of my army circle and its really bothering me. i wanna go out and meet new people, do new things and make plans for myself. but the time seems too short cause whenever im out for those 2 days, its spent relieving myself the basic modern comforts, food internet sleep etc. i cant do no other shit. and that sucks. i'll get back to this when i can think of a fucking solution.

ive also been depressed of late. i was a the old folks home today to visit my maternal g'ma. well shes been living in a home for the past idk as long as i can remember 10+ years? just thinking of it sucks. im at a point of my life when im realising that fulfilling it would mean experiencing everything there is life has to offer out there. and it just sucks thinking my gma has been in a home for the past fucking decade not doing shit. nothing. i cant fucking help her cause she 1, handicapped, 2, can barely communicate cause shes like really old. shes just sitting there waiting for time to come. and now that im older i think back of all those years i visited her ive been out there going on with my life while shes in there doing nothing. i just cant fucking help it. but then again, its not as if we're close, im sad to admit. with a language barrier and her disability, its rather inevitable. but shes my gma. and i cant do any f-u-c-k-ing thing about it. i fucking hate to put it blunty that shes just waiting for her time. i hate this.

family and friends wise i dont think it has ever been worse. i cant seem to see where id be in time to come. whats more im doing shit that i do not like and theres not a fucking thing i can do about it. and this whole army camp is a fucking minefield and whenever i do something wrong the mine just explodes and i either get a million extras or a charge to court. fucking bullshit life im leading yea. i dont even know what i fucking wanna do in the future. fuck whatever course i applied for in sg. im barely fucking interested in whatever there is to offer here anyways. if only theres a course that teaches me how to be happy. that would be great.

i want a projector, a 2nd hand condenser mic, and know how to play a guitar well enough. i think that would make me happy for a while.

p.s.
i fucking hate people now.

fourteen november twenty twelve

so well put together.

twenty seven october twelve

brunei was rather a tough experience for us as soldiers on our first overseas training stint. some things we had to do really scared the shit out of me. when i was on exercise nomad, i felt first hand what it was like walking on slippery and uneven ground along the unexplored ridge-lines, weary and tired, when a slip of a foot meant slipping down the side of the paths (probably only 2 metres wide a most) deep into the ravines. add on a 15~ kg field pack plus equipment, some part we'd just have to get on all fours, just to cross the numerous obstacles like deadfall (fallen logs which were SO HUGE) and broken paths. but all things, good and bad, came to an end. there were times when i was exhausted and totally out of fuel. it came to a point when i was telling jingyao how i was totally out of energy and had to stop. i yelled with every step and cussed like a motherbitch. "fuck you trees" "fucking brunei" "cheebye la how the fuck am i supposed to climb up this SHIT!" i was totally ridiculed by my detachment mates when the exercise was over, haha. 

weirdly enough, i left for brunei expecting to be homesick. but i surprisingly not. i had nothing to miss at home. my parents, yes. but somehow i have lost that sense of wanting to be home. i havent got a clue why. theyre busy, and the mood at home, have someone turned cold. i dont know why, but i dont want to be home sometimes. but it was only during the tough times when i thought really hard about them to urge myself to push on(like when we were walking real quick with our bags on- i cant fucking take heavy loads) and stuff like taeyeon and shit HAHA. oh yes just a quick update i have gotten into quite an obsession with kim tae yeon (not fucking girls generation per se though theyre pretty darn good too) when alvin and some demo guys eased me into kpop back in june or so. cause she sings like THIS and is cute like THIS and looks like 

ISNT SHE PERFECT?!

im sorry if im being a fanboy spazzing everywhere SHE GODDAMN GORGEOUS AHHH and never did i think id ever get into kpop (lol) but i kinda... did. haha but i have to admit this pretty girl eased my shagness a little better when i was stuck in the fucking idiotic jungles in zebu 3 days straight . to wrap brunei up, its was an ok experience for me, no real revelation whatsoever, cept i probably got to know my det mates a little better, and find out for sure who im going to ORD and spend my reservist time with, the finalised detachment. so long brackish crocodile infested rivers we crossed, palm sized cicadas and cockroaches, streams which we drank from, 60 degree slopes, 35 fucking degree sun, monster ants, a whole lot of shagness and mount fucking biang!

i just came back from a late night chat with bennii at parkway and had our usual stroll home from there. i just felt so empty the whole day, in fact the past few days. the days i had out, spending at home, were used on variety shows and basically nothing else. i have a list of to-do's but nothing seems to get done when im on the computer, when id either divert to random youtube videos or catalogs instead of my errands online. my mum also told me some stuff which i was disturbed by. i wish to bury it aside for now, for i dont know and don think theres anything i can do about what so had to say, cept im a little shaken by it. i hope it passes fine.

then ive been thinking about how im so fucking lonely nowadays. ive lost contact with the people whom i was close to. in fact, ive lost contact with every fucking one. i dont even know what the fuck to say to them. the guys are in army so i dont really know what to say to them. every shit that comes out is probably some lame army story that id probably already had enough of, and i wouldnt fucking text them just to tell them bout such stuff. the girls, are mostly in uni (in fact all lol). and idk what to tell or talk to them about cause my life have been saturated by the army for the past 9 months and im nothing more than a fucking potato head now. plus they seems so busy with uni and i don even know how the uni timetable or schedule is like. and i wouldnt wanna bore them with my retardation so i dont speak to them. i cant even get a date with anyone cause my weekends are always on the line cause you never know when youre gonna get confined or schedules for guard duty and stupid army shit like this so i dont even bother contacting anyone. finally its just me. i just dont feel like talking to any fucking one and idk why. im lazy to explain whats going on with my life cause i honestly dont give a damn about what im doing now. and im doing things only cause i HAVE to. so... im practically a fucking loner now. therere so many things to sort out with my life and i dont know where to start. but my passing out is next week when it all ends with that red beret after the 72k (oh fuckin hell yea 72 -.-) and im hoping for a breather after turning ops. not only to think my life though and sort out some of the mess that ive left around. 

in other news, i kinda found out that she has a boyfriend now. i think. i stumbled across it and i was kinda surprised but im glad that i was unaffected by it. yea i know i never really quite spoke openly about this but owells ive got nothing to do now so here goes. this is a girl i was interested in for pretty darn long time and i NEVER really quite knew why i did. shes pretty and all but it seems i thought there was something more to her. it started really awkwardly and went pretty awkwardly and nothing really quite came out of it. but yea, looking back now i never really knew why i acted so weirdly and all in school, tryin to avoid her and shit. hahaha. or even realise why i was even interested, in someone i hardly ("don't" would actually be more appropriate) know. was it a cumulation of things: her smile, her character...? cheesy stuff like that. but then again, boys will be boys. it was just a shame how weird and odd things had to turn out. but you know now i kinda miss that feeling. of wanting someone. to be around them, to see them. it kinda made life go on, roll a little smoother. it made me feel like i was waking up for something. but its all in the past now and i think im not going to feel that anytime soon cause im in army (jail).  but im pretty sure, the next time someone catches my eye, someone worthwhile, someone who'd made me swoon over like a little boy all over again, im probably not going to let her slip by again, hopefully.

heres to better times. (im fucking praying for it)

nineteen august twelve

there have been points in time when i wonder, if staying on in the commandos is worth it. i just came back from a 2d1n navigation exercise in tekong, from Thursday till Friday. with the load and lack of sleep, many of us merely dragged our weary bodies along, worn out by the crazy load of shit they piled for us the through the week with barely any rest. most merely limped on. and in only such a short period of time outfield, many of us came down with heat rash. ask any singaporean son, just for a little insight into this debilitating shit that so many on us go through- i was cringing in the morning from it, and its still affecting me even as i type. all the pain and the sweat was also worsened by our oc, whos infamy reached us even before we entered the battalion. i wanted to quit and i couldnt get it off my mind.

but who was i again, contemplating an escape, an easy way out. i said i was afraid of back, knee injury and skin problem, as experienced by my relatives and friends alike. i wanted to lead my own life, spend it well and plan for the future. booking out everyday seemed so perfect for all these. and id be spared of all the notoriously tough trainings, night after night of torturous marches and dirt out in the forests, heat rash which makes me go on my knees and bleeding blisters and lesions.

and then i thought again. of what have i done for myself. what i have done for those around me. ive never had the proper opportunity to make them proud of me, and for myself to see what i was worth. i want it so bad, not the beret, but for those around me to finally have something they could be proud of of me. i want to don the red, for them to see me differently. not for my own pride.

two months to press on.

she.

its like i met you. its like i touched you. its like how this universe could never have been so beautiful. its like how my life was made, just to be here for you. im so silly. fate works in funny ways but how can it ever come true. im just another silly boy waiting at this corner, gasping. why dont dreams come true my dear. why cant you stand by the door this very moment. why cant i hear you call my name out. why must we fall in love. struggling to keep my emotions in, and as long as youre around. its not going to happen. when can i breathe the air that you breath. no, no. this life wouldn't permit me so.
youre beautiful.

twenty-three june twelve

ok so basically today and yesterday was fucked up. but im too fucking tired to elaborate cause i bloody woke up at 230am friday morning and its 12mn now. fuck.

seventeen june twelve

and yes i did, leap off a moving plane on friday!
4 more jumps ahead. exhilarating.

so lately lifes been alright. theres probably another week of this airborne course, which ive got to pass out from! that means no MCs and what not. then it back to 2 weeks or so of lull time at pasir ris camp, then back to hendon for the boatman course. not looking forward to the 3 months of hell when we officially crossover to the battalion. but that just means im one step closer to my beret presentation in nov, the day we officially don red! who want to come let me know! :D

third june twelve

i havent been blogging for quite a while. two reasons. one, i cant really access blogger from my bb in camp even though i have an internet connection. two, i don know what the heck is going on in my life. im in this like im serving my time. like a jail sentence. not to say that being in the army is unbearably boring. im currently on an airborne course, en route to jumping out of a plane in 2 weeks time. i could think of many others who do more mundane work. but the thing is. all this seems very out of place. everything isnt going how i suppose it to be. truth is. i dont even know how it IS supposed to be. nothing is happening. im passing time. theres nothing to look forward to. im unsure of my career. (if i even should be sure by now). im unsure of my relationships with people. the people around me are all very distant. i dont know what everyone is thinking. i dont know what everyone wants. i dont know if i can continue on with these people around me. yet, theres no getting away from this. 

everything going on now is so transient. ive come to realise. only recently. how the world is flying by. no one waits. the present is only so for now. no matter, good or bad, experiences come and go. only comes the day i lie on my death bed and think back. what could have, would have, should have. life becomes rather meaningless. we buy experiences. we detest some. but yet everything. is fleeting. times dont last. am i wasting my time away without the experiences that i should yearn for. yet, even though ive done so, they become the past, in the future. im uncertain of whats to come. i dont know what i want. i just hope someone would be there to walk this path. right or wrong. with me.

derange/

12.5

there's this disappointment

setting in.

why can't I be certain of my choice

only to regret at such a stage.

29.Apr

I am currently fighting off a lot of emotions and feelings. Those which I feel debilitate me. I'm still struggling to find some meaning out of the NS which I'm only 3 months into. Though some may say it is just 2 years of your life for the country, there certainly is something to take out of all these, isn't there.

My decision of my course of study isn't coming along well either. Having spent 3 days at DP Architects, I still haven't found my bearings. Perhaps I'm put off by the long workings hours, low remuneration and little recognition for Architects in the country. Daunting is the 8-9 years of work in the field, before you can even call yourself a certified Architect. I would love to design. I would love to interact and communicate with others. I would love to sell my ideas. But I would also like to further my standard of living. For myself as well as for my family. Unfortunately, neither being an Interior Designer nor a nameless Architect would provide for that security and comfort I desire for in the time to come. Yet, people always say, do what you love and what motivates you. Who would pass off another route, where the prospects of a high life is so much more promising?

I want to,

Improve in my photography.
Find my passion, soon.
Play a guitar well.
Read.
Love, somehow.

15/4

I've been procrastinating too much about posting. So much so that the last proper post that I had was before I enlisted. >< old habits die hard, of course. well. just a short update! I've been assigned to being a Demolition man in the commandos. Basically blowing up stuff with charges and mines. Mmm what else... Oh yes I've also been accepted into SUTD for their architecture course. Even with my shitty results, bleagh. (i don't think my interview was that awesome either, i blabbered my way through LAWLS). Eh and my SMU interview is on the coming coming tuesday. AND id have a live firing coming friday. BLOWING UP HUGE ASS BOMBS HOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAH. Hahaha.

But yea other than these theres a couple of things that are bothering me right now. Insecurities, people issues. My future. Blah Blah. Quarelling with my mum over which uni to go to- she FRICKIN wants me to die die die die die go SUTD. Cause being an architect makes me a professional cause architecture is a PROFESSION. Whilst taking a business degree makes me a GENERAL person cause its a GENERAL degree. TO a certain extent, well mum's right. To another... i can't really make up my mind.

Owell. I've got to leave for Nee Soon now. Hope I manage to get another proper post up next week. Blogging does make me sort through my feelings and thoughts better than bottling them up inside. Let's hope things go smoother. Soon.

11.3

Until I send for you
Don't wear your hair that way

4.3

i havent posted for a long while

i was not in good health the past 2 weeks

i feel like shit because of my results

shit results

i am too tired to emphasise more

i feel like going into recluse

and ponder

about how i manage to be so shitty.

URGH

- fucking Agony

17.2

damn shagged.

shall post about army tomorrow. tata.

3 February 2012

alright so the day has come finally huh.

unfortunately it has.

well this enlistment comes with mixed emotions. that of suspense, trepidation and even honor. i'd be enlisting at SOTAC. good thing is, i wont have to take a damn ferry to tekong but instead training would be on mainland in changi. bad thing is, i'd be going through commando training. i've heard stories of the camp and training. of how a distant cousin wore out his knees, and how a senior got down 'pes'ed to a clerk. the training definitely isn't going to be easy on me. but i treat it with an open mind and look ahead. to all those who have made it through- why not me?

the hardest thing to bear with isn't what i'm about to face. it's that of leaving my loved ones. those closest to me. when i'm putting up with my duties, they would be the ones worrying about me, about my safety. couple that with the minimal contact with me. especially my mum, whom i know would have a hard time seeing me off, despite her regular, strong facade. my safety isn't about me anymore, its about the responsibilities i have toward those around me. and that, is stressful.

nevertheless, i would enter with an open mind and heart. i would be welcoming to the obstacles that await. theres a little fear and doubt in me, wondering if i could make it. and theres another in me, who'd push on for the sake of those behind me. i wish for the very best. *wish me luck*

For Honor and Glory.

Recruit J W Koh

30.1

N' if there's a thing
that you need
I'd give you the breath
that I breathe
N' if ever you yearn
for the love in me
Whenever
Wherever
Whatever.

29.1

I'd say it all to you,
in a heartbeat

If i could.

26.1

So stress la walao

24.1

don't blame me
yet at times like this
random and out of the blue
i just can't stop wondering
of how this could've been.
cause i couldn't see why it couldn't.
and gosh,
it's been a long while.

23.1

CNY's a bore

bored

fucking bored

tired

fucking tired

goodnight.

19.1

你的柔情似水
几度让我爱得沉醉
毫无保留, 不知道後悔
你能不能体会真情可贵

没有馀力伤悲
爱情像难收的覆水
长长来路, 走的太憔悴
你只留下我收拾这一切

不让我的眼泪陪我过夜
不让你的吻留著馀味
忘了曾经爱过谁
慢慢习惯了寂寞相随

不让我的眼泪陪我过夜
不让你的脸梦里相对
爱的潮水已经退
我的真情不再随便给

没有馀力伤悲
爱情像难收的覆水
长长来路 走的太憔悴
你只留下我收拾这一切

18.1

alright it's 3.08 in the morning right now. and, i just feel like i haven't been posting properly for... well, a while. nowadays, i don't really feel like i've anything exciting or worthwhile to look forward to. and that indeed is a terrible situation to be in, for me at least. i don't enjoy remaining in states of having nothing to expect. i want to live for something. someone even, for that matter. this is all very, empty. vacuous in fact. and it's sucking every bit of this life i've barely had out of me.

i'm the sort who'd never want to retire. cause to me, retirement means that i'm just waiting for death to knock on the door. so i'd have to keep away from all that bullshit and work that i've been putting up with my whole life, so as to enjoy 10 years of precious remaining time. i don't want only 10 years. i want to spend my life, and every second of it meaningfully. but i have, unfortunately, not come to terms with figuring out whatever rings my bell.

i feel like i've been writing here, for the sake of writing. i have grown accustomed to it. this has been an avenue for my emotions, as some of you who have read the, older posts. yes, i am an emotionally driven individual. my heart triumphs over my head. and by the time my head takes over, it's usually too late to salvage what was. couple this with being fiercely private and careful - even unrealistically picky, over my friends, this was necessary to sometimes just let a little of what's cooped in, out.

and thats why, without even sparks of emotion that would require me to post, there hasn't really been anything to speak of. maybe just irrelevant and mundane daily occurrences which no one really could be bothered to know of.

so, i've been trying to salvage a few relationships here and there. been preparing for army (not exercising, it's just a troublesome to-bring checklist). trying to get my drivers' license. meeting up with scattered groups of people. and... going on with life with not much motivation... trepidation, maybe - A's - which i do not have a good feeling for.

2 years in Temasek , i guess it has changed me so freaking much. i would like a do a list of how it has, just off my mind right now.

1) Deal with people (people get scarier as they get older)

2) Deal with people who annoy the heck outta me

3) Think before i speak

4) Deal with embarrassment (oh yes...)

5) Realise that JC education is just a slightly more tedious form of mind exercise than Sudoku at the end of the day cause it serves no real purpose. unless you have this wonderful ambition of being an educator. of, such... mind exercises?

6) Learn not to tell annoying mother****ers to shut the **** up because that would be considered crude and rude in most social situations.

7) Hone my sarcasm instead of going _|_, which is, again, rather backward.

8) Strong relationships with a trusted few is ALL you need. i shall stress again. ALL YOU EVER FUCKING NEED. i think it's indispensable for your insanity, don't you agree my dear reader.

9) Stay collected and cool whenever whatever kind of shit is thrown at me, cat shit, dog shit, your shit... well you get my point.

10) Trust.

and... it's 3.38. i probably should get some sleep. i'll post... when i have something to say. no more rubbish.

promise. give me your pinkie.

16.1

Hai trannies. Yep so i was in bangcock over the weekend. Just a short getaway, mainly there to visit a temple for some sort of a yearly prayer. But it was rather boring cause I've been there so often and there really isn't much to do other than shop - which I barely did. The only interesting thing about the trip was that on the return flight, Felicia Chin and Benedict Goh were on the same flight, and I had dinner at the airport opposite Felicia Chin. She's really rather pretty in person, though slightly haggard without her usual makeup. Making eye contact with her was so exciting ^^ HEHE. But she was travelling with this butch. Who carried her stuff and luggage the whole time for her. Godayum imagine her being a lezzie. So hot. But her partners' not :P and she was wearing shades in the dark HAHA so lame think got paparazzi follow her meh siao lame.

13.1

to myself

10.1

i never change
such a fucking disappointment
TIME AND TIME AGAIN

10.1

they seek comfort in you. and you do so too. but in the end, either party will get tired of this commitment, and hide. is it selfish or is it me. that is why we can only ever feel safe. when a part of us already belongs to them.

9.1

i hate dealing with people. i hate it. one moment, they make you feel like you can trust them with whatever or whoever you are, the next, they toss you off balance and mess you up. i don't blame. afterall who's to. we make friends. we lose friends - even when we don't mean to. thats how this world revolves about. and sometimes things get so serious you're at a lost as to what's next. somethings are just out of your hands. people are horrid. i'm no exception. and thats the way we are and thats the way we're going to live on. With it.

it really is better to be alone.

and that's the way it's going to be.

9.1

Hi. I don't even know why I'm awake, but its been a while since I posted. Probably cause I've been rather... busy? I've been putting off a lot of things lately... And I'm also slightly worn. There's always so much happening. So much to consider. So much to realise and understand. Especially with the people whom surround me. And there are also the considerations I have toward myself. This constant reprimanding and self conversations can sometimes drive me up the wall. I hate having to remain in a state of ignorance, which I sometimes fear I feel that I'm in. There's always SO many things happening each day, and each day brings about a need for different solution, to a different situation, and I can never seem to arrive at the proper one - or maybe there never really is one. Sometimes we feel like doing as we wish. As how our character deems. But as everyone should know, that hardly works out. Ever. The is this need to find a fine balance. Yet it seems i'm always miles away from it, no matter how hard I try.

Korea, Countdown, 6/2.

Marina Mandarin, Driving, Bangkok, NS.

24.12

2.28am in korea now.
Just settled down and got ready for bed.
Stupid plane delays cause us to land only at 1130.
Hotel room is dark and dirty.
Instant noodles are awesome.
Temperature is mad, -5 right now.
-17 tomorrow up in the mountains trololol.
Time to hit these sheets. Morning call's at 7.
Lets hope for more WIFI throughout the way.

Buaix.

23.12

yes
all the lost opportunities
when it mattered more,
of how people saw you
you... stupid...
well, i guess we all learn from our experiences


korea in a while.
can't wait to get away...
from... god knows what.
well EVERYTHING.
HAH.

22.12

-
life is just a lonely highway
i'm out here on the open road
i'm old enough to see behind me
but young enough to feel my soul
i don't wanna lose you baby
and I don't wanna be alone
don't wanna live my days without you
but for now I've got to be without you

21.12

when will the little rain come
from across the straits
to lay the dust
in this weary heart
to rest?

20.12

Nothing left to offer.

20.12

to pick her up.
to send her home.
to stay over, taking care of her when she's ill.
to enjoy simple homecooked meals with her family.
to be there.

that was what my cousin's husband used to do for her when they were dating. and his actions showed my how i was to be (i was 8) like, for the woman in my life. but how unfortunate. mr role model and my cousin divorced, after 5 years of matrimony. unexpected. and how ingrained his guidelines are in me. but let's hope that wouldn't happen to me D:

17.12

I wonder if there still a chance.

No matter how slim.

Yet, I feel so inadequate.

And so the situation remains.

Still.

13.12

There isn't a reason for love.

And when you try looking for one,

you don't.

13.12

I am damn lame you know. I cant believe it took me so long to realise ar. Now I know how great it is to have friends who are JUST like you. Friends who you can spend hours with without even feeling bored. Friends who care, genuinely. And so what if they may not be plentiful, one or two will do, more than enough to brighten up your days. Who cares about the pretentious rest. I do not need people whom I cant frickin understand, cause itll just be a waste of my time. Im just really glad I have few whom are close enough for me to share everything with, friends whom I can fully relate to. With that being said, goodbye to niceties to those whom I couldnt care less for.

(

9.12

And then you,

8.12

Im the last person.
Youll need to be happy.
Try, and recall
Has the hurt not been too much?

6.12

And I can't believe it took me so long.
So long to realise why this is going to be so tough.
If it ever takes flight.

And I think it may hurt more than it should.

30.11

I can just look.
I can't do anything.
How can I even try again.

what now.
fuck.

28.11

mcq was fine.
BUT TOMORROW IS CHEM MCQ.
*求神拜佛*
last day this tj uniform baby.

28.11

I saw the messages you sent again.

And then I became fucking emo.

Why why why why why.

26.11

What could've been of us.

Don't you ever imagine?

This time would be perfect.

24.11

I am fucking angsty and tired now. I hate what I have become. I hate how I compromise so much. I hate how I am losing the ability to speak up for myself now. I hate how I even contemplate giving into others bull now. I hate how weak I am becoming. I hate bothering how people start seeing me. I hate losing my guts to do whatever I wish.

But I love how there's something to now live fully for. And how I have come to realise all of the above. Lets hope this serves as a reminder. To setting my priorities right, and going on with life with more guts and brains, and less tolerance for the unnecessary. (cause it never seems to work out)

22.11

And now where were we.

Tangled in frenzied chains.

Masked by the facades.

Maybe, just maybe;

Trying never was the way to go.

21.11

Lost and stranded.
Cold, often wary.
Lost is the will to plough on,
the end never came into sight.

This empty,
weighed down this hollow soul.
It's weight in gold,
rendered helpless.

Thriving on what is absent,
darling, don't you notice?
Hanging by a thread, of bare sanity,
won't you cut it lose,
before your heart crumbles.
Pieces someone will salvage.

Of the words of a man,
who owns only his self, listen.
Nothing, does he have to lose.
Won't you release your chains,
and surrender to a worthy embrace.

The nights will come,
the dawn will follow.
For the bitter in the dark persists,
the hope in the light will ease.

A note before you turn away
"Love and be loved, today"

19.11

Hello again.

SO. Today wasn't that great a day. Firstly, I woke up hell late (yet again). A damn habit I can never seem to rid off. Look at what i'm doing here at 3 am again? I dragged my sorry arse to school at 2 only to complete a pathetic few questions of physics in the tys. After dinner with the guys, I reached home only to realise no one was home. LIKE NO ONE. EQUALS my sorry ass being locked out of the house. Like what everyone would do, I whipped out my phone to call me mum.

1%.

Effing 1% battery left. I hoped for a miracle and pressed dial. And then the stupid cheesy apple logo came on. Not enough for a call you nub, my phone replied, then shut herself off. I felt rather screwed. Ok really screwed. I din' t want to stand outside my house looking like a potential housebreaker or a pervert, so I made my way to the park. Ola. Perfect time for some meditation. The dayum park was quiet and DARK as hell. And I din't have my phone. Nor anything to blend my ass in. Like an mp3 player or something.

So I sat there. Literally staring into space. Then GOD ALMIGHTY decided to make some TJ J1 basketballer dude walk past me while I was in stoning in stonemode level 5000. He gave me a "wtf man" look. Thanks arh. But really, it was quite soothing just sitting there wasting my life away when I have a paper a few days later. So SARDDENLY I got inspired. To draw. *faggot* Yeah. And to draw something pretty. So I recalled seeing Minh Trang post pictures of her sketches of her "sartorial designs" on Facebook > LOL.

"That bitch can do it so can I"

HAHAHAHHAHA. Ok I'm really weird. But I went ahead anyways, drawing this on the back of my rather empty TYS. (btw her arms look real weird. like that bitch's anorexic or sumffin')

Ok. I've always had faith in my "artistic abilities" for some unknown reason. But I don't know what's that crap I just drew. You'd have to agree. But spare me some slack. I haven't picked up a pencil to draw since those secondary 2 art lessons. The least you can do is not laugh at it.

I see you doing it there.

Bitch.

Okay. I'm going offline. After spending 4 hours doing GOD KNOWS WHAT (you wanna know? :D) on the computer. I officially hate this computer. You bloody time sucking pile of... metal. Gah. Effing 3.36. SOMEONE TEACH ME THE ART OF SLEEPING EARLY PLEASE. Time to hit the shits. Ahem sheets. (I am so lame).

Tata~

16.11

One step at a time.
This, still seems so uncertain, fuzzy.
Keep on trying.


p.s:
can't wait for tomorrow to be over.
Econs full and Chemistry 2.
Good lord have mercy on my soul.
p.s.s:
there's a fucking MILLION things I want to do NOW.

14.11

I am terribly lost.
No inspiration to write, whatsoever.
Someone, please?

11.11

Math was quite fucking bad.
Lets hope 70% will make the cut.
Don't deny me for math please.

6.11

fuckhing withdrawal symptoms.
get lost.

6.11

I'm here just like I said
Though its breaking every rule I've ever made
My racing heart is just the same
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say I do
Give everything to you
But I can never now be true
So I say...

I think I'd better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me out
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now

I'm here so please explain
Why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful
Perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs, at least I'm spared the lows

So I think I better leave right now

5.11

10 hours on the bed.
I won't get sick.
I won't get sick.
But for you.
I can't say for sure.
><

5.11

You already got me.
Really.

Damn you.
Damn you.
Damn you.
Why...
Try man. Try harder.

4.11

A dose of you.

3.11

完蛋。

31.10

I should really continue with my work.

DAMN YOU YOU WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE COM FOR 30MINUTES !@#$%^&)

31.10

Die no time no time no time NO TIME.

31.10

How far can this go?
I'll try my best.

29.10

On da verge of a fking panic attack.
Stupid exams.
9.
Mother.
****in.
Days.
Left.

W
T
F


ps: just realised the shape the words make above looks like a -e^-x graph. die math is taking over my life.

28.10

I really wish I could do something I love for a living. Not lead a life hankering after wealth. I have friends around me who are. I really hope it doesn't change them. I mean, relationships will turn sour. It has happened in my extended family, and it is pretty ugly how things can turn out. Damn I really hope material wealth doesn't ruin all I have when i'm out earning a living.

Shit I would really love to do for a living
1 Architecture
2 Automobile design
3 Sing in a hotel bar
4 Fashion photography (kinda gay right)
5 Presenter on Top Gear (this should be no 1)

Well this list isn't exhaustive cause i come up with shit id like to do all the time. Hais when am i able to start doing shit i like and not study for shit i do not enjoy nor have the motivation to engage in whatsoever. Life sucks for now. 1 month till the end of A's. 2 months to fking cdo camp. 3 month of bmt. 9 months of hell. 1 year of relaxation. And when im out of army, its back to studying. But this time it better be something i enjoy.

26.10

You're going through more than I can ever imagine. I'm not helping. Sorry.

get out of my mind, please

24.10

somethings very amiss
but now I want it so much more
please stay the same.

desperate.
when?

22.10

not even talking
not working dear.

-blank-

20.10

drown yourself
for there's no hiding
no, no way around this
can't go on
when all that he has
no one would take

18.10

And it's hard to love,
there's so much to hate
Hanging on to hope,
when there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above,
say it's much, much too late
Well maybe we should all,
be praying for time

17.10

Today:

Graduation concert was alright. Though some of the items were rather, urm, wu liao. Hahaha but nonetheless had a great time bitching about with bitch mate Jeremy haha! So when that was over at 1230, the buffet our class had book at the Heeren was already past. So while calling to extend the reservations, we rushed off from school, and didn't take any photos with my mates in school! *regretregret* Hehe but STILL, it was a great time gorging myself with so much salmon sashimi when we reached (we only had 1 hr to eat -.-) I was full after like 15 minutes of only fish -.- x3 Then the guys started to play a game of forfeit. Guess a number between 0-200 and the range narrows and the person to hit the bullseye gets to eat a seriously SICK concoction of bullshit hahahahahahahaha. I think it was soy sauce, soup, sour cream, terriakyi sauce and bits and pieces of grime and condiments they could get their hands on with the leftovers all into a pretty cup :O the best part was when gayboy eugene got to get a taste of it ^^ (video coming!) And we then left for bowling but thats just boring so id skip it.

THE BEST SHIT OF THE NIGHT was when glen ivan jishnu jeremy and I were wondering around for some entertainment. Though apprehensive, we decided to sneak into the hostel for some soccer after being "lied to" by ivan that we wouldn't get caught. YEA RIGHT. So we walked in, through the front gate when I pretended to sign in (like a normal scholar would) and fooled the indian woman on duty. HA. High fives and in we all were. However when we were in, it turns out we'd have to walk through the hostels canteen, and it happened to be dinner time, AND it happened that the other scholar i knew were inside and peering out realising they had visitors, HAHA. Alright, so jishy suggested another route (which i have no idea where it leads to) which had a hell load of access cards gantrys. Halfway into the building, aman came walking towards us. Hell no. It was a teacher mentor. I pretended to be really normal and calm, which i thought would let us past him. Apparently i wasn't PRC enough, and his head followed me throughout as I past him. Jizz, i was screwed.

"You three behind.Give me your student passes. "

I COULD FEEL MY BALLS CONTRACTING THAT VERY BLOODY MOMENT WHILE I UTTERED FMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLMILF UNDER MY BREATH.
Funny thing was, jishnu who was infront if us seemed rather taken aback and looked as his he was trying to find a quick way out of the shit (he walked through and back a door which wouldve saved his black ass LOL)

After being called to the office while the teacher took jishy and ivan into a room for interrogation, i was busy wondering what deep shit i mightve gotten myself into for trespassing while glen STILL LOOKED AROUND THE OFFICE FOR A NEWSPAPER TO READ *toocool* Well, that dude was pretty cool about it and let us off after speaking to the guys. Phew. And ivan, that slut, was still convinced he couldve gotten us around without getting caught offered to bring us in again in the future. NO THANKS INDOPEDO (:

17.10

I want to go crazy
mad for you.
I want this to work.

16.10

But there's nothing to strive for.
The jubilation will only be mine.
And what sense does that make?

13.10

when
the words flow fluently
with ease, without hesitation
we can drop the pretense
comfortable, with each other
in our own skins
laugh and smile
when they din't try
skip a beat
when it rumbles
drop all thats on you
cause they're waiting
on the other end

Not.

13.10

You're beautiful.
Surely there's more than that.
Right?

9.10

I've been searching for you
I heard a cry within my soul
I've never had a yearning quite like this before
Now that you are walking right through my door

A sacred gift of heaven
For better, worse, wherever
And I would never let somebody break you down
Nor take your crown, never

All of my life
Where have you been?
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

8.10

Cause you're left with little words
Maybe it'll be better
If I stayed put
Till you're fine
Till we're wiser of ourselves

Sleep now.

6.10

the muffled sound of the drops
the gentle flow of the breeze
what a beautiful sight
no, no
i can't stop hoping how perfect
this all could've been
this very instant

wish on.

4.10

And
Meanwhile
I'll die a little more each day
As the light draws to a close
Though it will eventually consume itself
But till then
Nothing's changed

3.10

One day,
I'll find my way into yours.
Like how you have always been in mine.

1.10

Today during my round, I managed to catch up with a friend of mine. Eric just recently got married, so we happened to get onto the subject of relationships. Being quite a charmer as he is, I curiously questioned his past, expecting a long list. He had 7, but his wife was was exceptionally different. They got together, and fell apart, for a total of 3 times over a span of one decade. I sniggered, unable to fathom how two people could decide to return and leave each other, for so many times. He added, that fate just wouldn't let them go their seperate ways. My eyes widened. He then asked me if ever had been in a relationship. I answered promptly. He sniggered back. Then you've never felt love, he said. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Love was when she's never off your mind, even when you shut your eyes, whenever she's not by your side. That burning, slightly sour and cringing feeling, tugging on your heartstrings, when you couldn't be where she was. It doesn't make sense, how just the thought of her makes your heart ache, something only she could do. You were most vulnerable, but only to her."

And apparently, that was how he knew that he never really fell out of love with her. I laughed him off for being cheesy, though rather enlightened by his words of experience *buddhatune*

"You wouldn't laugh when you feel it in the future!"

I smiled in agreement, and a tinge of anticipation.

Guess it isn't hard to figure, if you're in love.

But perhaps I have been, only once or twice till now.

1.10

)':

30.9

eh discipline la FUCK

29.9

How can you go on
When a part of you
Still wants and hopes

27.9

Really? This is it?
Wrong. I was so damn wrong.

25.9

I've got to stop hearing your name.

25.9

Yo. Uhm.
Okay so this will be an extremely boring post i promise you. So please turn away if you're looking for some fun. Alright, so today is Saturday. And what a F-U-N-T-A-S-T-I-C day it has been i must say. Spent the whole day at home, not doing much.

._.

Welcome to my life hahaha. Alright but in other news, i will agree to get my fat ass out of the house to the grand prix with my dad - though i suspect this man-date thingy wouldn't really work out cause we both don't exactly give 2 shits about F1 cars, ugly things. But anyways, it doesn't harm checking it out doesn't it? Heee ^^

Oh yes. How could i have almost forgot this. The prelims ._. yea exactly > ._. Well on a brighter note i shouldn't be all that pessimistic about things yea - though i really should be.

In no particular order (other than how badly i fucked it up)
GP
Quite gay i must say. Cause you never really know how GP can just turn its ass around and screw you even when you walk out of the exam hall with a fist pump
Econs
Okay la. CSQ was quite ok but the essay was gay. Partly (mostly, haha) due to the fact that i have been an utter bitch for not doing my assignments, hence the last essay ive written was that for MCTs. Haha... ._.
Math
Okay also la. But what can i say. Paulie, joel, jerome and the other little sluts in TJCCC did like 19389837985469795 maths papers during the break while i. while i. erm... Yeah so i inevitably felt like a bitch when i came out of the hall knowing that all my mistakes were probably careless mistakes. Yipeee.
Physics
Can do but then again careless like a titty hais.
Chemistry
Can we not talk about this?

So........................ an avg. C would suffice i guess...? Really don't know actually. I'm just hoping to be a little more consistent with my revision for the next 6 weeks before the hell gates opens. Bahhh. Ok. Off to find more lame things to occupy my mind before Monday comes. Buhbye.



12:56 paisehhhhhhhhhhhh D:

24.9

Gosh.
Why wouldn't you let me go...

24.9

hehhh. how was it?

22.9

If you would. I would forgo it all. Be a douche. And be happy. Let me know you wouldn't mind. I'd be right there in a jiffy. Because we're both weary. And i'm sure we wouldn't gaf about how other's would care, wouldn't we? Yeah, since you're already here, why not?

22.9

1st night in 2 months.
Would you believe it.

21.9

But nothing will change
How you were the first I held

21.9

Something's just... different. I can't exactly pinpoint what's amiss, or foreign. This, i've never felt. It's right, yet wrong. It is, it's not. I'm jumbled, fooled, confused. Is this the way it's supposed to be. Part of me says so, yet another begs for the past.
Perhaps nothing ever really works out does it. Perhaps i'm always the one who's at fault. Perhaps i'll always be the fool. The ignorant. Perhaps i'll never really know how it feels like. Perhaps i've never really gotten over. Perhaps i'll never get it. Perhaps, love just ain't right.

Fate has her plans.

20.9

"You can expect spending a lot of days in bed and ignoring people’s phone calls. I’m really into going off the grid and getting high on each other for nine hours. Has anyone noticed that when you spend all day in bed with a lover, it feels like a drug binge? You’re just addicted to touching their body and you feel like time is standing still. Before you know it, the day is gone and all you’ve accomplished is each other. You spent the day laying in bed watching people go by on the street who weren’t in love and doing errands and “making the most of their day”. You’re glad you aren’t them. You’re glad to do nothing."

18.9

Now that we are over
As the loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways
To keep the good alive

Only when we want is not
A compromise
I'll be pouring tears
Into your drying eyes

Friends, lovers, or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We'll never be the in-between
So give it up

You whisper, "Come on over"
Because you're two drinks in
But in the morning I will say
Good-bye again

Think we'll never fall into
The jealous game
The streets will flood
With blood of those who felt the same

Friends, lovers, or nothing
You see, there can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We'll never an in-between
So give it up

Friends, lovers, or nothing
We can really only ever be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
Don't you know
We'll never be the in-between
So give it up

No, we'll never the in-between
So give it up

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than I love you is lying

18.9

Anyone, or is it just...
Alright thats it i'm fucking lost.

16.9

I'll never really know why
But if thats the way
you want to keep it
Thats the way its gonna remain

16.9

Because the words never came out
The heart never knew why

15.9

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

12.9

I know I am strong enough.
I think I am.
I guess I am.
I hope I am.
Am I?

10.9

Long have I missed the catharsis of writing. For the unknown readers, known, or just the vouyueristic. A tad untimely, i must admit. Considering the state of my revisions now, still ploughing through my chemistry notes right now *fine not exactly now* at 11, 1 day before the freaking preliminaries, with no end in sight. Isn't too appropriate. But screw it.
Just had a frupucinno *however you spell that. ask the teenyboppers around* my mum bought with a hershey bar. I can totally feel myself getting fat already bahh. And especially discomforting if i am through eating such food at such weird hours. Hais. What studying does to you...
Blah blah. I'm seriously going to consider an overseas tertiary education, in god knows what cause i still do not know yet. Its amazing how going through my notes did i just realise what a complete and utter bloody slob i have been in my work. Well i could blame it on just how dry and weary the content of a jc education is, but that aint going to help anything - im already 2 months from the end. God knows whats in store for me. But THEN AGAIN perhaps theres no god. Master of my own fate? Psst. Two months of work isnt going to get me anywhere. Im not Glen or Gabriel. Bloody hell, but there isnt anything wrong with being myself is there?
Ok enough of my bullshit. I'll just take a step at a time, as time goes by, i just hope i'd see the light *cheesy* haha. Realistically, architecture seems rather attainable and interesting for me now. Straight B's? Hahaa. No way in hell would i take engineering or chemistry related courses. I know myself well enough to know i wouldnt put it the effort for what i have no interest in - jc has been a fabulous example.

What the hell has gotten into me? Stupid long aunty post. Argh. Im such a homo. Alright fucking chemistry, back at you for another few hours. Hais. This not the life i want, honestly. But it'll be over... soon :/



How are we going to bid goodbye, if it doesn't turn out right?

10.9

cant.be.that.selfish.
you.fughing.moron.
z.z.z.

10.9

Cause honesty and trust will make it last.

9.9

I understand why you feel this way,
But we've got to be thoroughly honest.
I need to know the real you.

It felt like I've got all needed, there and then.

7.9

Hello.
Stats stats :D

7.9

Don't want sleep.

6.9

You don't trust me anymore do you.
I hate how different this has become.

6.9

I don't know how much longer can I take this.

6.9

There's only one person who wouldn't ever hurt you - yourself
Does this suck or what.
Time to protect yourselves, fuckers.

6.9

Racing through my fucking mind.
Why only now )':

5.9

Now they can see the tears in our eyes
But we deny the pain that lies deep in our hearts
Well maybe that's a pain we can't hide
’cause everybody knows that we're both torn apart
Why do we hurt each other?
Why do we push love away?

Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don't do it baby



ok off to study.
and off the com, for good.
hopefully.
fuck.

5.9

Unfortunate turn of events.
Not a man, nonetheless.
Tsk.

5.9

What are we doing in love.

4.9

Don't you find it fucking tiring?
Its not a game, seriously.
I don't mean to speak like this.
I'm sorry.

3.9

And if all that there is,
is this fear of being used.
I should go back to being lonely and confused.

3.9

Trust me.
If we ever speak,
about what we avoided.

3.9

I've had enough of danger
And people on the streets
I'm looking out for angels
Just trying to find some peace
Now I think it's time
That you let me know
So if you love me
Say you love me
But if you don't just let me go...

'Cause teacher
There are things that I don't want to learn
And the last one I had
Made me cry
So I don't want to learn to
Hold you, touch you
Think that you're mine
Because it ain't no joy
For an uptown boy
Whose teacher has told him goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

When you were just a stranger
And I was at your feet
I didn't feel the danger
Now I feel the heat
That look in your eyes
Telling me no
So you think that you love me
Know that you need me
I wrote the song, I know it's wrong
Just let me go...

And teacher
There are things
That I don't want to learn
Oh the last one I had
Made me cry
So I don't want to learn to
Hold you, touch you
Think that you're mine
Because it ain't no joy
For an uptown boy
Whose teacher has told him goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

So when you say that you need me
That you'll never leave me
I know you're wrong, you're not that strong
Let me go

And teacher
There are things
That I still have to learn
But the one thing I have is my pride
Oh so I don't wanna learn to
Hold you, touch you
Think that you're mine
Because there ain't no joy
For an uptown boy
Who just isn't willing to try

I'm so cold
Inside
Maybe just one more try...

2.9

Fighting to keep the words in.
Fighting from reaching out for you.
Fighting from inching nearer.
But why?

31.8

No I do not give a fuck about that that and that.
Fucking distractions.
I already have more than i can chew.
And I definately dont have any time left.
Please all get lost.
Now.
And wow.
Fucking september in 10 minutes.

30.8

Oh comeon :/

30.8

Pull me back.
I'm disorientated.
Yet it is all so beautiful.

28.8

We should start being frank.
If things were to go anywhere.

你知道吗
爱你并不容易
还需要很多勇气

是天意吧
好多话说不出去
就是怕你负担不起

你相信吗这一生遇见你
是上辈子我欠你
是天意吧让我爱上你
才又让你离我而去

也许轮回里早已注定
今生就该我还给你
一颗心在风雨里
飘来飘去都是为你

一路上有你
苦一点也愿意
就算是为了分离与我相遇

一路上有你
痛一点也愿意
就算这辈子注定要和你分离

一路上有你
痛一点也愿意
就算只能在梦里拥抱你

26.8

I'm probably going to be the youngest dude at the concert later.
If I manage meet someone there who shares my taste...
*gasp* (:
Hahaha stupid boy.

25.8

"So, I will head out alone
and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down
as we skip the goodbyes
I've got nothing left to lose,
my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know
the reason why
I'm gone,
and you're still there"

Yeap.

25.8

I never meant to cause you any sorrow.
I never meant to cause you any pain.

I never wanted to be your, weekend lover.
I don't want to be some kind of friend, hey.
Baby I could never steal you from another.
It's such a shame our friendship had to end.

Purple Rain

24.8

Trust in fate, when it works with you.
Don't, when it trys to work against you.

There'll always be a way out.

20.8

Aw.

"And I'm suppose to sit by while you date boys and fall in love with someone else, get married...?"
His voice tightened.
"And meanwhile, I'll die a little bit more every day, watching." 

Cassandra Clare (City of Glass)

20.8

It's just those moments.
When I'd rather stay there forever.

I shut my eyes tight.
Hopefully, like a beam of light,
the glow stays there a little longer.

18.5

We're saying our goodbyes,
even without ever having said "hi".

Well...

13.8

Were the pieces,
to this puzzle I still am.
Slowly, but surely,
your edges fade into oblivion.

Then the pieces fit no longer.

11.8

It's almost over.

10.8

My granny was admitted into Gleneagles 2 days back,
complaining of abdomen cramps and pain, and vomiting.
It turned out they were gall stones.

When I overheard my father on the phone 5 days back,
concerned about my grannys health,
I dared not ask more.
She was 80.
I've always been terrible.
Terrible at dealing with loss.
Having my granny leave me now was not an option.
I cowered under my chores, hoping it would all pass.

Thats the ICU ward (pic).
Well, she's fine now.
Glad and reliefed, the truth still stared back at me.
She isn't going to be with us forever,
no matter how much I wish all my love ones could.

She's such an amazing lady.
Before going in for the surgery,
she got to know of my maids departure back to indonesia.
My maid who has been with my family for 4 years,
and who has spent much time with her.
Hours before she was wheeled in, she mentioned to my mum,

"Ga wa pao jit eh ang pao hor ah fiah"
(A red packet for Fiah, alright?)

And when I visited her today,
a few of her first words were the same.
Perhaps worried that Fiah, my maid,
would've thought she'd forgotten her.

Well.
Fiah's going home tomorrow morning,
just before I reach school.
She's been a great help, i'd have to thank her for that.
Though i'd miss her,
her food i've lived on for the past 4 long years!
Hahaha! And the good laughs our family has had.
Hais.
Best of luck with her new husband,
and future endeavors!
What a sister she has been.

And to my granny,
best of health,
hope to see you smiling, as always.

And I can't believe I just noticed,
what beautiful blue eyes you've got.

9.8

I am sucha fugher.
fugher,
fugher,
fugher.
Massive fugher.
Siansiansian.
Alrights its time I pull mysef together.
I've been neglecting the old friends.
Those who know me best, hais.
Only they'd understand,
And honestly tell me whats best for me.
Well I guess thats something to smile about,
That they're still around.
:D

8.8

Who knew?
After one whole fuckin big round.
Your heart just knows.
Knows you're lying to it.
And being a constant MF to youself.
Don't run.
Remind youself why things have yet to change.

8.8

It's not hard to be happy.
Most people desperately wish,
to be someone's hero,
To touch a life,
Live a moment.
And if it means,
To bring joy to someone.
Just that one person.

But why aren't we?

7.8

Got golf shoes from Duca Del Costa!
Blue leather with suede on the sides!!! :D
But still can't believe I blew 190 on it -.-
But!!!
I managed to play my best round of this year (83) today!!! And its my first time wearing this shoe!!! Ahh!!! And a good round leads to a good bet which led to $80 over the two rounds so I effectively paid 100 for it!!! Ahh!!!
*justtryingtohidemymaterialisticbitchface*

Ok fug dad just yelled at me. Gtg out for dinner. Buaix.

6.8

Out of phase,
Dazed in the mute company of random flotsam
On this forgotten slow sunlit deck,
gazing at an empty world.
I struggle to hold you.
But against all my efforts,
even your face blurs.

I wonder, do the feelings itself fade,
or only the memory?

6.8

"hey, do you mind?"
"yeah sure"

Then i woke up.
But I don't know why
the disappointement came surging through.
Maybe it'll take just a little longer.
But i don't know if its the right thing to do.
Why won't you let me say hi?