13 January 2013

ive been in much of a daze as of late. i dont really know how to talk to people outside of my army life any longer. it feels like my entire life has been taken over by it. we yearn for when we can leave the camp, to be out in the civilian world again, do what we wanna, eat what we wanna, and things like that. however such breaks are too short to take, 1.5 days to 2 at most. so essentially, my life in 2012 and 2013 would be - living in camp, eating sleeping shitting and using my comp when outside of camp. i cant move on with any plans (or if i even have any) cause the time outside is just too short. and now it seems i have lost almost all social contact from outside of my army circle and its really bothering me. i wanna go out and meet new people, do new things and make plans for myself. but the time seems too short cause whenever im out for those 2 days, its spent relieving myself the basic modern comforts, food internet sleep etc. i cant do no other shit. and that sucks. i'll get back to this when i can think of a fucking solution.

ive also been depressed of late. i was a the old folks home today to visit my maternal g'ma. well shes been living in a home for the past idk as long as i can remember 10+ years? just thinking of it sucks. im at a point of my life when im realising that fulfilling it would mean experiencing everything there is life has to offer out there. and it just sucks thinking my gma has been in a home for the past fucking decade not doing shit. nothing. i cant fucking help her cause she 1, handicapped, 2, can barely communicate cause shes like really old. shes just sitting there waiting for time to come. and now that im older i think back of all those years i visited her ive been out there going on with my life while shes in there doing nothing. i just cant fucking help it. but then again, its not as if we're close, im sad to admit. with a language barrier and her disability, its rather inevitable. but shes my gma. and i cant do any f-u-c-k-ing thing about it. i fucking hate to put it blunty that shes just waiting for her time. i hate this.

family and friends wise i dont think it has ever been worse. i cant seem to see where id be in time to come. whats more im doing shit that i do not like and theres not a fucking thing i can do about it. and this whole army camp is a fucking minefield and whenever i do something wrong the mine just explodes and i either get a million extras or a charge to court. fucking bullshit life im leading yea. i dont even know what i fucking wanna do in the future. fuck whatever course i applied for in sg. im barely fucking interested in whatever there is to offer here anyways. if only theres a course that teaches me how to be happy. that would be great.

i want a projector, a 2nd hand condenser mic, and know how to play a guitar well enough. i think that would make me happy for a while.

p.s.
i fucking hate people now.